Sunday, February 5, 2012
One Month Ago
One month ago the girls and I went to bed after a quiet evening of returning home from dropping their Daddy off at the airport so that he could return to Afghanistan. One month ago I climbed in bed thankful that R&R was behind us; thankful because now we could focus on finishing the school year, selling our house, moving to our new duty station and prepare to welcome Richard home for more than just 15 days. One month ago I closed my eyes relieved that I didn't have to dread R&R ending anymore. One month ago I lay silent in bed as tears slowly forced their way out of my closed eyes and as the lump in my throat frustrated each attempt I made to swallow. One month ago I took a deep breath and thanked God for my husband and for the gift of having him home; for the job he chose to do and which he has been blessed to continue in.
Oh if only I had majored in English or Creative Writing rather than Mathematics in college! If I had maybe, just maybe I could put into words more effectively all of the emotions I experienced simultaneously one month ago. As I sit here thinking for the first time about it being a month since Richard left, I can instantly feel every single emotion all over again. I can feel them, but I can't express them. But that's okay. The important thing is that I'm here, writing this post and functioning pretty darn well for another month being the single parent of five girls. What else can I say other than God is faithful?
I knew one month ago how hard the next day would be. I've done this all too many times before. I knew my weaknesses, and I knew I will battle everyone during Richard's absence. I knew how hard it is for me to keep functioning right after Richard leaves and before I have time to "adjust" to his absence. And I knew how desperately I would yearn to talk to him during those first few days of transition, yet I knew that those are the days, ironically, where communication would be at it's worst.
I knew all of that one month ago, but I also knew that God would once again provide. This time was not outside of His plan, and He would not forget about the girls and me. I knew all of the firsts ... the first night in bed without him, the first dinner without him, the first trip to the gym without him ... etc., would be tough, but I also knew that the seconds would be a easier. The struggle never really goes away, but it does get better.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
Last night as I finished up dinner preparations, I felt a sense of peace just pour over me. It really came out of nowhere. I felt so hopeful about the next six months. This deployment has ripped at my heart in so many new ways, but I realized last night how truly excited I was to finish it out and be reunited with Richard. Usually it takes a while for me to see the blessings of a trial, but this is the first time I think I've ever still been in a trial and seen the blessing amidst it. I have so much more to learn and so far to go to becoming even remotely like a Proverbs 31 Wife (even an off brand one!). But God is working in my heart and has so used this time in my life to pour out His love on the girls and me and to open my eyes to see it. The past ten months have been a time of refining for me, and I am so thankful that God loves me enough to put me in that fire.
Yes, I wish Richard were home. Yes, I wish we were moving tomorrow and getting ready to see him within days. Refining is good and I'm thankful, but yes, of course, I'd rather not have to do all of that ... patience isn't my best virtue and what I wouldn't give to be typing a homecoming post!! But God's will is for us to finish out this deployment, one day at a time, and many of those days I'm sure will be long and hard and just plain tough. I know this. Yet I also know that He promises to provide.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
One month ago I knew I'd make it to today ... but I didn't know how.
To God be the Glory.