In this month of thanksgiving, I have struggled more than ever with bitterness, which has all but consumed my joy. I've not blogged a lot because of this battle. I even refrained from my monthly Faith Deployed submission. I am learning that I still have yet to reach the ability to love others the way God would have me to ... scratch that ... the way God commands me to, and I am learning how truly deceitful sin can be. I am learning to get on my knees a little more and thank God for what I have and pray for those who I'd rather heap burning coals upon (see my battles?!). And I'm staying awake a lot at night praying that I would find my peace and my rest and my joy in Christ and not in others around me or from what I think others ought to be towards me. I don't know if you've ever really been in this kind of place before. If not, I hope you never are. I have struggled so much with be defensive and protective of myself and our little family.
So much can get under my skin without my even knowing it ... until it is too late and I explode from all the bitterness that I've harbored.
While in SC over Thanksgiving it occurred to me that there are a lot of things that I may never be able to change. I realized that I need to let go of so much hurt that I've kept inside for way too long. My head hurts. My heart hurts and my family is suffering from the exhaustion it has caused me.
I think I still have some dreams somewhere:), but they are being suffocated by the bitterness that has taken over. It is my prayer that I can forgive those who have offended me, and that I can hand over those battles to God wholeheartedly. It is my prayer that I can move forward from things I cannot change and rejoice in the blessings around me. I didn't have a perfect Thanksgiving week, but it was definitely not without a lot of sweetness. Why I have been struggling with focusing on the good? Well, I know it is because of sin, but it is still baffling all the same.
So as the month of November comes to a close and we enter into December, a month of celebration of the greatest gift of all, this verse will be on my mind and in my heart.
Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
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wow, what a heart felt post and one I really needed to hear today. I have some hurt feelings that I just need to let go of. After all they are only hurting me, no one else!
ReplyDeleteHoping that you have a joy filled December!
MK, this post really speaks to me, thank you so much for your honesty. I hold a whole lot of hurt and bitterness too, I just can't seem to let go! I know in my head and my heart that it's no good to hold onto it and, like you describe for yourself, it is so SO exhausting that I sometimes have to work very hard to recognize my blessings.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know that I can completely relate and I hope you find the joy you're looking for over the holidays ... I always find December to be the most challenging month of all, so I really appreciate the timing of this post, thank you!
Thinking I need to hold that verse close to my heart and pray for myself over this since I created much murder in my heart over the stranger that sinned against me this week! At Sunday school this Sunday a friend ( and a local christian counselor) shared how she just returned from a marriage counseling conference and one thing she shared that was good was that they were encouraged to pray for the people they are counseling that they don't get self focased during their trial. Spoke to me for sure that morning because SELF has definitely been my FOCAS this week. Thanks for the encouragement, I know how to pray for you and will do!
ReplyDeleteI read this post months ago and it really resonated with me. Shortly afterwards, I went to see the Dawn Treader. King Caspian says something in the movie that gave me (and maybe you?!) tremendous peace. When give the opportunity to cross into Aslan's Country (heaven) and see his father who died when King Caspian was a baby, King Caspian decides to stay with his people and remain their king. He says this, "For too long I have wanted what was taken from me and not what was given."
ReplyDeleteMaybe it will give you peace too. God bless you.
Mary